30th May 2025: Meet the schizophrenic who believes that he is a military leader
A local boy, diagnosed with schizophrenia, bipolar and main character syndrome, has been LARPing as the leader of an army. The 12 year old, Uvz, began his delusions after listening to an audiobook of Mein Kampf and reading Ye's latest tweets. After acquiring a few disguises, "Uvz" began to craft different characters for himself, using the characters from Lolita as pseudonyms. His most recent plans have been fixated on "attacking" the distinguished Emu Empire in an upcoming battle.
We reached out to Uvz's mother for a comment. She mumbled something about an abortion to our reporter, before attempting to steal a Honda Civic and getting arrested. It's believed that Uvz will be without chicken nuggets during his mother's time in Police custody. He will likely have to sell his Hitler disguise kit to survive.
3rd June 2025: Retard thinks he can just print more money
Known grifter PollosRollos was browsing Ebay auctions last week when he came across a used money printing machine. Due to being dropped on his head as a baby, he bid $200 thinking he had stumbled across an infinite money glitch. The self-proclaimed "KFC Enthusiast" then began printing money, causing a recession in Yark. It is rumoured that Pollos cancelled his Reddit Plus subscription after his currency became worthless. Our reporter refused to speak with Mr. Rollos, stating "this stupid nigga doesn't wear deodorant. If you want my opinion, Harry: PollosRollos' downfall will not be studied, he was just a fucking retard."
6th June 2025: Meet Yark's infamous backstabber; Mikoyann
Mikoyann originates from South East Asia and was likely born sometime in the early 2000s. The only insights we have into his early life are the following:
1) Mikoyann's favourite creature to eat is the humble dog. He is estimated to go through 3 medium-sized canines a day.
2) Mikoyann has been colonised 4 times:
3) Mikoyann runs multiple Taylor Swift fan accounts on Twitter and Reddit. This piece of information was exposed when Junior Troy Adams and HarryJason10 were collaborating on a spyware project.> Nowadays Mikoyann volunteers as Yark's ship designer. On his first day holding this position, Boris spent 7 hours explaining what a ship is to him. He currently reads Wikipedia articles on famous ships and attempts to recreate them.
25th June 2025: Yark runs out of methadone - JimmyJamesJr dies of an overdose
A successful campaign has seen the distinguished Emu Empire stop Yark aid trucks throughout the month. Whilst PollosRollos was able to use an improvised sock-based prison weapon to rob KFCs at sockpoint, others weren't so lucky. Local junkie, JimmyJamesJr, was partaking in his daily 10am extra-strength cider and heroin session when he overdosed. The heroin, which he'd scraped off another junkie's shoes, had been laced with fentanyl. As his heart started to fail, Boris looked for methadone in his stash - only to find that he was out! Jimmy died at 10:23am. His final words were "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
17th July 2025: PollosRollos treads lightly as Yark attempt to declare war
With rising tensions between Yark and the distinguished Emu Empire, war may be on the horizon. PollosRollos, Yark's finger lickin' good chicken man, is growing anxious at the Emu Empire's superior naval capabilities. Throughout this week he has been attempting to initiate conflict. Lets take a comprehensive look at every failed attempt thus far:
Mon. 14 Jul - "war... like total war please."
This attempt was typed whilst standing up. Pollos's rear ached to much for him to sit after his unauthorised visit to Gord's Buck and Fuck the day prior.
Tue. 15 Jul - "I'm thinking we can have a war. A total war."
Pollos's second attempt was initially withdrawn due to accidentally including a link to KFC's job application form. He had pasted the contents of his clipboard in the hopes of sharing USSR military music, but ended up sending the other link he frequents.
Weds. 16 Jul - "OK Mason Poop Adams. You've called our ships tutorial builds, our wiki inadequate, our discord inactive and our air force grounded. We might have to declare war on you. A battle may be happening in the foreseeable future."
We spoke to JimmyJamesJr who informed us that Mr. Rollos peed his pants whilst typing this. Thankfully he was able to find a replacement chair behind a homeless shelter.
Thurs. 17 Jul - No message. It's thought that PollosRollos unplugged his router out of fear.
all reports written by @HarryJason2 unless otherwise specified. special thanks to frederick troy adams and the emuarian state administrative longue team for their hospitality.